Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Dog Steals. Dog Car Jacker
It is a strict Security Company rule: "Never leave your car running with a dog alone in the car."
Although dogs are obedient, sometimes the guards take a shortcut & overlook this rule .... the guard was just hopping out to open a gate, she would only be gone for a few seconds, so she ignored the rule.
The dog inside jumped into the front seat, and while straining to see where his handler had gone, struck the gear shift, and dropped it into forward gear! His other paw struck the "spoke" of the steering wheel and cramped it hard right.
The car took off in slow circles. Fortunately, the car was on a large, empty parking lot but it was in the middle of the night. As long as the dog didn't steer elsewhere, there was no immediate danger. For what seemed forever, the car merrily toured the lot, with the security guard trying to catch up without success.
Eventually, a police cruiser happened by, and one of the officers (who was obviously a sprinter), managed to catch up, reach in and switch off the runaway car. The Guard was suspended. The Officer was too tired to work, the dog car-jacker was let off with a warning!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Monday, July 20, 2009
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
...And the number one reason why a dog is better than a woman:
1. A dog does not shop.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.
SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!," especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn't get the attention you require ... especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.
CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
Monday, July 13, 2009
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Why Dogs and cats are better than children because they:
- Eat less.
- Usually come when called.
- Are easier to train.
- Don't ask for money all the time.
- Don't drink or smoke.
- Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.
- Never ask to drive the car.
- Don't have to have the latest fashions.
- Don't want to wear your clothes.
- Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
- If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Sunday, July 5, 2009
- Defensive or fear aggression: directed to family or strangers who approach too quickly or too closely when the dog is afraid.
- Protective/territorial aggression: directed to strangers to approach the owner or the home of the owner.
- Predatory aggression: directed to small, quickly moving animals and children, especially where more than one dog is involved.
- Pain-elicited aggression: directed to family or strangers who approach or touch when the dog is in pain or injured.
- Punishment-elicited aggression: directed to family or strangers who hit, kick or verbally assault the dog.
- Redirected aggression: directed to family, strangers and animals who approach or touch the dog when it is aggressive in another context.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
A dog's nose is not just used for smelling, but also to keep him cool. That's why a dog pants. The longer the dog's nose, the better his cooling system works.
Dogs that chase cars have learned that cars run away. This behavior is reinforced each time he chases one away.
If you're finding it difficult to teach your dog to catch a ball, try tossing something soft like a knotted piece of fabric instead. Some dogs find softer items easier to catch.