Thursday, November 5, 2009
This is a unique dog. He does not live by tooth or fang. He respects the right of cats to be cats although he doesn't admire them. He turns his steps rather than disturb an earnest caterpillar. His greatest fear is that someone will point out a rabbit and suggest that he chase it. This is a dog of peace and tranquility.
Monday, November 2, 2009
The man was enjoying the walk, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead...
He remembered dying, and that the dog had been dead also. He wondered where the road was leading them...
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold...
He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir",
The man answered..."Wow! Would you happen to have some water?", the man asked...
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. The man gestured, and the gate began to open...
"Can my friend, gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked...
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going...
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book...
"Excuse me!", he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" The traveller gestured to the dog...
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside
it. The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog...
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them...
"What do you call this place?" The traveller asked...
"This is Heaven", was the answer...
"Well, that's confusing", the traveller said ."The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, in pain he yelled, ''I thought you said your dog didn't bite!'' The old man muttered, ''Yap, but this ain't my dog.''
Saturday, October 24, 2009
sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar:
"Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap. "
The next day the dog arrived with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with 9 children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."
Sunday, October 18, 2009
Why it’s nice to be a dog…
No one expects you to take a bath every day.
Your friends never expect you to pay for lunch, dinner, or anything else for that matter.
When it’s raining, you can lie around the house all day and never worry about being fired.
You can wear a fur coat and no one thinks you’re insensitive.
You never get in trouble for putting your head in a stranger’s lap
Having big feet is considered an asset.
If you gain weight, it’s someone else’s fault.
No one tells you to wipe your nose because it’s wet.
No matter where you live, you own the place.
Your mate never complains because you whine.
Puppy love can last.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
A dog thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!
A cat thinks:
Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!
Friday, October 9, 2009
Finally the boy turned to the dog and asked, "Maxy, how much is two plus two minus four?" The dog sat quietly, making no sound, remaining still and silent. "Right!"
exclaimed the boy. His dog won first prize.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
The seeing eye dog proceeds to lead his master across the street in rush hour traffic. Cars are honking horns, screeching their brakes to avoid hitting the man and dog. The man finally makes it across the street, unbelievably safe and sound.
The blind man reaches in his pocket for a dog biscuit. One man that witnessed this walked up to the blind man and said "Mister, I just saw that dog of yours take you across rush hour traffic, almost getting you killed and you are rewarding him?! The blind man said "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to see which end is his head so I can kick him hard in the behind!"
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!
Rottweiler: Make me.
Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover...
Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
German Shepherd: All right, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz
Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog wagged his tail.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
A being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one`s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one`s joys and sorrows."To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Joan`s eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it`s a wonderful idea!Can I help you pick out a lovely puppy?"
Monday, September 21, 2009
"What are you doing with that dog?"One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we`ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep thedog.
"The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn`t be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don`t you boys know it`s a sin to tell a lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he`d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
Friday, September 18, 2009
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"
The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house and let the dog music begin!"
So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Everything from Ragtime to Mozart, and the bartender and patrons are really enjoying the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.
The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"
The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."
Saturday, September 12, 2009
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For goodness sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo the dog while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing on the 4oth floor. A moment later Paul's date walked out to where Paul was.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" she stated.
"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I asked for strength that I might rear her perfectly;
I was given weakness that I might feed her more treats.
I asked for good health that I might rest easy;
I was given a "special needs" dog that I might know nurturing.
I asked for an obedient dog that I might feel proud;
I was given stubbornness that I might feel humble.
I asked for compliance that I might feel masterful;
I was given a clown that I might laugh
I asked for a companion that I might not feel lonely;
I was given a best friend that I would feel loved.
I got nothing I asked for,
But everything that I needed.
I got a new dog.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered, then add the following ingredients:
1 cup of patience
1 cup of understanding
1 pinch of correction
1 cup of hard work
2 cups of praise
1 1/2 cups of fun
Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size.
Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy are one.
Monday, August 31, 2009
A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."
With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.
"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.
"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.
"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"
The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"
Friday, August 28, 2009
"That's the most amazing strange thing I've seen," the woman said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to the woman and said, "Yeah, it is strange. He hated the book."
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $12.00. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.00. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds an invoice from the lawyer, demanding $120.00 for a consultation fee.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a dog emptying wastebaskets.
The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!"
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Friday, August 7, 2009
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was really smart.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was quite smart.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do? The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, chased the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
A woman brings her parrot to the vet. The parrot is stiff and lifeless.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but this parrot is dead"
"How can you tell so quickly?" replies the woman, "Isn't there a way to be absolutely certain?"
So, the vet whistles and a beautiful black Labrador Retriever walks in the examining room. The Lab sniffs around the parrot for a few moments, then looks at the vet and, with sad eyes and shakes his head.
"A dog shakes its head and I'm supposed to believe that?!" cries the woman. "You're going to have to do more to prove that my poor parrot is dead!"
So the vet leaves momentarily, comes back with a cat and puts it on the table beside the parrot. The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then shakes his head and jumps off the table.
Finally, the woman seems convinced. As she turns for the door, the vet announces that she owes him $700.
"$700?!," the woman asks. "How in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot is dead?"
"Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but you insisted on a lab report and cat scan!"
Saturday, August 1, 2009
What man can learn from Dogs.
Never pass up the opportunity to
go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air
and the wind in your face to
be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home,
always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest,
Let others know when they've
invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Never pretend to be something
If what you want lies buried, dig
until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day,
be silent, sit close by
and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and
let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple
growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water
and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance
around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded,
don't buy into the guilt thing
and pout...run right back
and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy
of a long walk.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Dog Steals. Dog Car Jacker
It is a strict Security Company rule: "Never leave your car running with a dog alone in the car."
Although dogs are obedient, sometimes the guards take a shortcut & overlook this rule .... the guard was just hopping out to open a gate, she would only be gone for a few seconds, so she ignored the rule.
The dog inside jumped into the front seat, and while straining to see where his handler had gone, struck the gear shift, and dropped it into forward gear! His other paw struck the "spoke" of the steering wheel and cramped it hard right.
The car took off in slow circles. Fortunately, the car was on a large, empty parking lot but it was in the middle of the night. As long as the dog didn't steer elsewhere, there was no immediate danger. For what seemed forever, the car merrily toured the lot, with the security guard trying to catch up without success.
Eventually, a police cruiser happened by, and one of the officers (who was obviously a sprinter), managed to catch up, reach in and switch off the runaway car. The Guard was suspended. The Officer was too tired to work, the dog car-jacker was let off with a warning!
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"
Monday, July 20, 2009
9. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
8. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
7. A dog never expects you to telephone.
6. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
5. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
4. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
3. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
2. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
...And the number one reason why a dog is better than a woman:
1. A dog does not shop.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: A liquid which, when combined with sad eyes, forces humans to give you their food. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and get the drool on the human.
SNIFF: A social custom used to greet other dogs, similar to the human exchange of business cards.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards. The person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. It is important to evenly distribute its contents throughout the house before your person comes home.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!," especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the regular bump doesn't get the attention you require ... especially effective when combined with the sniff. See above.
CHILDREN: Short humans of optimal petting height. Standing close to one assures some good petting. When running, they are good to chase. If they fall down, they are comfortable to sit on.
LOVE: A feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
Monday, July 13, 2009
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the Earth to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Why Dogs and cats are better than children because they:
- Eat less.
- Usually come when called.
- Are easier to train.
- Don't ask for money all the time.
- Don't drink or smoke.
- Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.
- Never ask to drive the car.
- Don't have to have the latest fashions.
- Don't want to wear your clothes.
- Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
- If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
Sunday, July 5, 2009
- Defensive or fear aggression: directed to family or strangers who approach too quickly or too closely when the dog is afraid.
- Protective/territorial aggression: directed to strangers to approach the owner or the home of the owner.
- Predatory aggression: directed to small, quickly moving animals and children, especially where more than one dog is involved.
- Pain-elicited aggression: directed to family or strangers who approach or touch when the dog is in pain or injured.
- Punishment-elicited aggression: directed to family or strangers who hit, kick or verbally assault the dog.
- Redirected aggression: directed to family, strangers and animals who approach or touch the dog when it is aggressive in another context.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
A dog's nose is not just used for smelling, but also to keep him cool. That's why a dog pants. The longer the dog's nose, the better his cooling system works.
Dogs that chase cars have learned that cars run away. This behavior is reinforced each time he chases one away.
If you're finding it difficult to teach your dog to catch a ball, try tossing something soft like a knotted piece of fabric instead. Some dogs find softer items easier to catch.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
First prevent any uncontrolled exposure to strangers.
Teach the dog a "sit and watch me" command or, alternatively, have him remain in a relaxed down-stay position. Reward the dog's compliance with food treats and/or petting and warm praise.
Introduce a mildly fear-inducing person at a distance. Reward the dog for remaining calm. As long as the dog remains relaxed, ask the person to move a little closer, and repeat the exercise.
If the dog is resistant to remaining still, an alternative strategy is to have the person stand still while you walk the dog around the person in progressively decreasing circles (or vice versa)... again, praising and rewarding the dog for composure and compliance.
If the dog remains calm when the person is close by him, the person can then be asked to drop a treat for the dog. If the dog consumes the treat, this is an indication that he is fairly relaxed. Later the person can hold out a treat in his hand and see if the dog has the confidence to take it. The golden rule is: NEVER force the issue. Allow things to proceed at their own pace.
If the dog cannot maintain a controlled sit or down, and cannot focus on the owner because he is tense, barking, or lunging at the stranger, then the owner should return to an earlier phase of training.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
A dog converses with the Creator.
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?
Dear God: If a! dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it! up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
7. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
8. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
9. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
Monday, June 22, 2009
who can not see where they are going or
coming. It is better than a walking stick.
A dog can see and lead a blind person
away from danger. A dog can also smell
and sense danger much better than a
A dog is thus a better guide to the blind
than a mere walking stick.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
A dog gives one a sense of security. You feel safe.
The dog becomes a source of protection from danger.
Danger or threat from criminals, thieves, burglars or
kidnappers to mention a few.
The dog can give one good company. A dog is excited
to see the owner back from a trip. A dog in a way is
loving and a loyal companion ready to follow your orders