Monday, August 31, 2009
A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops. She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll just get him."
With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.
"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my', he'll eat whatever you've mentioned. Watch. "My apple!" The lady watches in astonishment as the dog zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced from his pocket.
"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.
"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets back home. "He can fly!"
The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? Ha! My foot!"
Friday, August 28, 2009
"That's the most amazing strange thing I've seen," the woman said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to the woman and said, "Yeah, it is strange. He hated the book."
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
A lawyer's dog, running around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $12.00. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.00. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds an invoice from the lawyer, demanding $120.00 for a consultation fee.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
A salesman dropped in to see a business customer. Not a soul was in the office except a dog emptying wastebaskets.
The salesman stared at the animal, wondering if his imagination could be playing tricks on him.
The dog looked up and said, "Don't be surprised. This is just part of my job."
"Incredible!" exclaimed the man. "I can't believe it! Does your boss know what a prize he has in you? An animal that can talk!"
"No, no," pleaded the dog. "Please don't tell him! If that man finds out I can talk, he'll make me answer the phone as well!"
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.
Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog. Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!!!!!!!!
Monday, August 10, 2009
Upon entering a small country store, a stranger noticed a sign saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside a harmless old hound dog was asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The amused stranger inquired, "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
The owner responded, "Because, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."
Friday, August 7, 2009
But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was really smart.
But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was quite smart.
Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do? The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, pooped on the paper, chased the other three dogs and claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
A woman brings her parrot to the vet. The parrot is stiff and lifeless.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but this parrot is dead"
"How can you tell so quickly?" replies the woman, "Isn't there a way to be absolutely certain?"
So, the vet whistles and a beautiful black Labrador Retriever walks in the examining room. The Lab sniffs around the parrot for a few moments, then looks at the vet and, with sad eyes and shakes his head.
"A dog shakes its head and I'm supposed to believe that?!" cries the woman. "You're going to have to do more to prove that my poor parrot is dead!"
So the vet leaves momentarily, comes back with a cat and puts it on the table beside the parrot. The cat looks closely at the parrot, walks around it, prods it a bit, then shakes his head and jumps off the table.
Finally, the woman seems convinced. As she turns for the door, the vet announces that she owes him $700.
"$700?!," the woman asks. "How in the world could it be that much just to tell me my parrot is dead?"
"Well, it would have been a lot cheaper, but you insisted on a lab report and cat scan!"
Saturday, August 1, 2009
What man can learn from Dogs.
Never pass up the opportunity to
go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air
and the wind in your face to
be pure ecstasy.
When loved ones come home,
always run to greet them.
When it's in your best interest,
Let others know when they've
invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp and play daily.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.
Never pretend to be something
If what you want lies buried, dig
until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day,
be silent, sit close by
and nuzzle them gently.
Thrive on attention and
let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple
growl will do.
On hot days, drink lots of water
and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance
around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded,
don't buy into the guilt thing
and pout...run right back
and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy
of a long walk.