Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Dogs To Change A Light Bulb

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that damned stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got this hangover...

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

German Shepherd: All right, everyone stop where you are! Who busted the light? I SAID "STOP WHERE YOU ARE!!!"

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz

Cat: Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So the question is: How long will it be before I can expect light?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The Origin of Dogs Cats

How Man Came To Live With Cats And Dogs.

It is reported that the following edition of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Seal Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"

And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam.

And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog wagged his tail.

And Cat did not care one way or the other.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Lovely Puppy

For months Bill had been Joan`s devoted admirer. At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question."There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being.

A being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one`s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one`s joys and sorrows."To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Joan`s eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it`s a wonderful idea!Can I help you pick out a lovely puppy?"

Monday, September 21, 2009

A Clergyman, A Dog & A Lie.

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.The group surrounded a dog. Concerned the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked,

"What are you doing with that dog?"One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we`ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep thedog.

"The reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn`t be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a 10-minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don`t you boys know it`s a sin to tell a lie?" and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he`d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

Friday, September 18, 2009

Creative Dogs

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That`s not good enough."The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That`s not creative enough."Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine." Guess who went with the Collie beauty?

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Piano Dog Player

A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR WITH A SMALL DOG. The bartender says, "Get out of here with that dog!"

The guy says, "But this isn't just any dog... this dog can play the piano!"


The bartender replies, "Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay... and have a drink on the house and let the dog music begin!"


So the guy sits the dog on the piano stool, and the dog starts playing. Everything from Ragtime to Mozart, and the bartender and patrons are really enjoying the music.


Suddenly a bigger dog runs in, grabs the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and drags him out.


The bartender asks the guy, "What was that all about?"


The guy replies, "Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor."

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Dog Music

Little Stevie was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Stevie's violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, "For goodness sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Rollo The Dog

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo the dog while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing on the 4oth floor. A moment later Paul's date walked out to where Paul was.

"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" she stated.

"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

Sunday, September 6, 2009

New Dog.

When I got my new dog.

I asked for strength that I might rear her perfectly;
I was given weakness that I might feed her more treats.

I asked for good health that I might rest easy;
I was given a "special needs" dog that I might know nurturing.

I asked for an obedient dog that I might feel proud;
I was given stubbornness that I might feel humble.

I asked for compliance that I might feel masterful;
I was given a clown that I might laugh

I asked for a companion that I might not feel lonely;
I was given a best friend that I would feel loved.

I got nothing I asked for,
But everything that I needed.
I got a new dog.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Puppy Pie

How to Make a Puppy Pie

Take one puppy, roll and play until lightly pampered, then add the following ingredients:

1 cup of patience
1 cup of understanding
1 pinch of correction
1 cup of hard work
2 cups of praise
1 1/2 cups of fun

Blend well.

Heat with warmth of your heart until raised or until puppy has doubled in size.

Mix with owner until consistency is such that owner and puppy are one.

Enjoy!